I've decided for my sanity and for the sanity of my family...that I am going to look into a group or consider therapy for myself. Now...before I go any further I want to emphasize that I love my children. They are smart, lovely and always good for a giggle. However, I am having a harder time then I thought I would adjusting to being a step parent. I don't know why this is. So many of my family members are able to take in children wither it be through adoption, step parenting or just plain old taking in neighbour hood kids. They are able to show love to them and while I'm sure get frustrated with them at times can still convey how great they are and how much they are loved.
I can think it throughout the day or when they walk by I think to myself I should tell them I love them....but it never comes out of my mouth....and I just don't know why. I find myself getting frustrated with them or irritated they aren't doing something I think they should be. If J comes to watch a show with me and the other two come in to watch with us, instead of thinking 'ok mommy/kid time' I get a tad annoyed that they invaded our time. How incredibly wrong is that?! And then when I do find them fun or helpful or they are just plain being awesome kids and not causing me any troubles I just can't get the praises out of my mouth. It turns into a fleeting thought and that's it. No praises from momma.
I feel like the evil step mother and one day they are going to notice and one day they are going to stop giving me hugs and stop attempting to show me they love me. One day I'm going to lose them and then I will turn around and wonder what happened to my babies and why don't' they come around anymore. I don't' want that. They deserve more.
You will probably find me heartless and cold or even mean...I won't blame you. I tell myself that all the time....but I just don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to make it better.....on my own. So I will look into a group for step-parents or personal therapy. Something to help me cope with this issue, which is so clearly me.
Oh Maura don't think so harshly of yourself! It takes time to adjust to all the changes around you, it's been a big few years for you and you have to give your mind/heart time to catch up with all that change. But finding a group for step-parents I think would be great! It's always nice to have a place to go talk with people who have gone through or are going through what you are.
ReplyDeleteI did want to say though, about watching a show with J and then feeling like they invaded, you need time with just J sometimes and there's nothing wrong about that as I'm sure there are going to be times hubby just needs time with the two girls. Maybe you all could set up a schedule so that all the kids get a special day/time with both of you on their own. That way you know you're giving them time but you also get just your J time.
You're a good person Maura and realizing you want to do better by them only proves it more!
Maura, I wish you could understand how incredibly proud I am of you. You ARE a good parent. Just acknowledging how you feel and seeking out the tools you need to forge that bond you desire shows what a loving parent you are to ALL of your children. Hang in there, you are moving in the right direction and just know there are so many of us that support you. I love you and I am proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI think a truly good mother knows there is a problem and does what she can to fix it. The evil stepmother might see a problem, but she either doesn't do anything about it, or works hard to make it worse. You are a good mother. I am more proud of you than I can say that you know you can't do this alone. We all love you dearly, especially your children.
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