The Edge

With so many changes going on lately and me being overly emotional...it was bound to happen....me tipping over the edge. Most of the changes have been wonderful, but they are still changes and I've been on the edge for a bit now. Most of the time it came out in bits of anger or annoyance which I would later have to apologize for. Last night it came with a vengeance but this time with tears.

The girls were on their hundredth fight of the day, dinner was about done and Brian was trying to help but couldn't find what he needed and then questioned why I put certain things where in the kitchen, my hips hurt, by eyes were tired and my head had a billion things I still needed to get done that night swirling around. And then it came.....that one tear.

It was like I didn't' even notice that first one till I touched the tickle on my cheek and realised there was something wet on my face....I followed it up to the likely place of origin and found both my eyes wet...not just wet, soaking and the hot tears literally spilling over. My throat began to ache my nose ran and my eyes leaked...a lot. I went upstairs let some out then washed my face. went back downstairs, tried to eat dinner with the family, but they still came, those tears you just can not hide. The family was silent. They knew something was wrong but who knew what? its not like something dramatic had happened in the last half hour!

I excused myself, went upstairs, laid down and cried. I cried like I haven't cried since I was going through my divorce. I wet my pillow...turned it around and cried some more. I was sobbing so hard I could hardly breath. I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to not let the feelings that were bubbling up inside to last very long. I know this will sound horrible but this is how I felt last night. I just did not want to be there. I didn't want to be a mother, I didn't want to be a wife, I didn't want to have to deal with dinner, laundry or dishes. I didn't want to have to hear whining or complaining. I didn't' want to have to think 12 steps ahead so everyone would be taken care of through out the day tomorrow. I didn't want my body to hurt or feel huge anymore. I was tired of being tired, I was tired of working with little to no thank you and I was tired of holding it all in. So I let it out. I told Heavenly Father all of those feelings and I cried and said I was sorry for feeling them.

But then I felt very loved and my mind was washed with visions of my kids hugging me, my hubby and I laughing about something completely silly, our family walks or movie time. The girls being excited to see me when I pick them up from school. Our wedding day. The day we moved into our house and Brian and I looked at each other with a proud this is ours look. My family at dinners. My sister and I sharing conversations through out the day and laughing at things our kids had done.

I fell asleep that way and woke up still in my dress I had fallen asleep in. Brian had finished up dinner, done the dishes and put the girls to bed. I didn't hear a thing. I woke up feeling much better. I"m still emotional and tired but don't feel so overwhelmed and so on the edge. Sometimes it just needs to come out!