Changes

So everyone has heard and I am sure used the sayings 'when it rains, it pours' or 'it will come when you least expect it'....well you could say that those sayings (and many others which you will no doubt get to hear in the rest of this post) have been my life this past week...and then some!

So lets back up a few so I can set the stage to let you know why all the things that were said were such a big deal. Jason had been out of work since the store closed and he had been talking for a while about becoming a truck driver. I had a hard time with this because he would be away a lot but more so he would be on his own, with random guys who may or may not have morals. Don't get me wrong I know their are a lot of good drivers! we have some in our family and a couple in our church...but still I was concerned. Well, a guy from our church said he wanted to team drive and said he would wait for Jason to go through training and then drive with him. This I could live with...they have the same family values and faith and know what needs to be done! so he went through the school and is now almost complete with his training..... Second thing to set the stage....we have been living in a house my parents own. It is now in the foreclosure process, which is fine. We planned on living with mom and dad until we could find a place of our own. And have recently decided to have Jason's Grandma live with us as it would help alleviate the rent and she desperately needs to have someone around her. She is getting up there in years with some medical issues so it would be good for her to get to know Juliet and to have someone there in case she needs anything. Third setting....we have been struggling with money for quite some time. Being young and foolish, I took advantage of all the cool credit cards and money loans I could get my hands on, fiddled away the school loans my parents so kindly signed on and now I have to pay back with almost nothing to show for it. So our credit is bad and we are just now learning....truly learning how to manage our money...but barely and there isn't much money to manage. hehe.

so stage is set, history lesson in place and now we come to the day in question.

It was Sunday...and I was having a hard day. It was one of those days were everything in life just weighs in on your shoulders, where for some reason, the things that are usually only an annoyance in your day are dramatic, you can't catch your breath and you feel like the walls are going to come tumbling down and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, or worse you know you are the cause of it. some would call it a panic attack, some would call it a breakdown....I called it a down right rotten day. But me being the only parent home and because Juliet was not having a 'rotten' day...I tried to put my best foot forward and take it like a man (another set of sayings....don't' worry...there's more). So we got up, got ready for church and drove in. While we were there Juliet had an accident AGAIN and we had to clean her up. I almost went home but NO that is exactly what the adversary would want me to do... Leave the one place I could find comfort and answers to my personal turmoil. So on we went to class, well Juliet had another accident and so we cleaned her up again...my patience straining and my temper simmering because I knew I wasn't being patient when I should have been. Then I see the wife of the the guy Jason is going to be driving with and so she strikes the second blow of the day....and informs us that if Chris is not making enough money (as much as she thinks he should make) after two months of Jason and him driving together....Chris will be finding another job!
'what?' I think 'exuse me, that would have been a good thing to know before Jason went through all of this. He could have stayed here and found a job with the state or even with the sanitation department or something.' because Jason has to stay on with SWIFT for the next 26 months whether he has a team driver or not!
but I smile (begrudgingly) and decide maybe it is time to go home. so we go and while Juliet is sleeping, I start thinking....and crying. I called Jason and told him. He, being the awesome man that he is, tells me everything will be ok and not to worry. so I hang up with some of the sadness lifted, but still have an overwhelming sense of self-pitty and grayness that won't go away. So, like every scenario with this kind of situation I cried myself to sleep.....
Enter the next day. This would be the 'when your least expecting it' part.....
Juliet got up cheery as can be, promising she will use the toilet like a big girl. Ok. Then I get to work and actually get stuff that needs to be done, done! and quick...OK. Then I get a call from this office that I had interviewed with 2 weeks ago and they offered me the job, it is a promotions and will pay almost $400 more a month, plus I am moving up so it will be easier to promote from there. Of course this is a major change so I mulled over it all day and finally weighing my options and pro's and con's took it, then I was told the house we are trying to rent can be rented to us with in the next month or so and that it is 4 bedrooms instead of 3, then Jason, who had been stuck in TX for the last 3 days and didn't know when he would be leaving texted me and said he got a load and was working his way back home finally.... When it rains it pours.
I am deeply sad to leave this place. I have worked her for 6 years, have had monumental life changes happen while i was here...I got married while working here, had Juliet while working here, made life-long bonds and great memories. But I am comfortable and am not going anywhere. It was time for me to get out of my comfort zone and learn and grow. I am holding on by a thin string right now, my emotions are so up and down it is hard to tell if I am happy, sad, frustrated, nervous or content....I think it might be a little of everything wrapped in one, which by the way, is very draining.

The moral of the story....Our Lord will never give us something we can't handle, he knows when I need to be humbled and when to be uplifted, when to be tried and when to give me the blessings worked for. He knows when I will break and what will make me stronger. He knows what and when I can handle and allows me to see what I went through and how I came away from it. He lets me know that I am deeply loved even though I don't' love myself, He lets me know how important I am when I feel small and how small I am when I feel to big for my britches, He can look at me and know what I will do but still allow me to learn for myself and grow from the experience....and that is exactly what I am doing and hope to learn from. We all have our horrid days or panic attacks or breakdowns, but can be lifted if only we look at it from another view with a little faith.

I by no means am perfect, and I am constantly having to pull myself in check or find myself being put in check, but I am trying and these trials are here for me, so that I can one day be perfect or help someone who needs me. I still have horrid days, sad moods and sit on my bed crying like a baby to Him, hoping he wont' find me to pathetic, but I think that everyone needs to do that once and a while. Just let it all out with out abandonment and let the world close in and close you off. It allows us to see just how much we can handle, what we are capable of handling...what Heavenly Father KNEW we would be able to handle all along.

so I just had to share my life in a nut shell right now. My whole foundation is up in arms and I am tempted to lie back and do nothing to make it better but that is not what I am here for so with a little bit of knowledge, a whole lot of faith...I keep going and with a smile too. One day I will be able to laugh about it or even feel pride about the way I handled it....we will see, only time will tell. but there it is. :) I don't' often write serious stuff, but that was the kind of mood I was in.

Me.