Our Tests

When I was younger I often wondered what would be my tests in life, cause lets face it back then when my poor body image was the greatest of my worries I had it pretty easy....but of course we always think life is the hardest thing ever when you are a teenager. But there were times I would wonder what I would be put through. I would sit there and imagine different scenarios and say yes I think I could go through that.

Now I have been tested. I've been tested in so many ways and can I tell you I did not see those coming?! It started with a divorce....never in a thousand years would I have thought I would go through a divorce and be a single mother, have to start dating over again and try to find a good, responsible, loving man who would want me and my daughter. But I did do it. It hurt like H*$# but I went through it and came out stronger.

I still continue to struggle with my weight....always have, always will. However I am beginning to like myself. I look in the mirror and have those 'uck you're so gross' days! but for the most part I can look in the mirror and say 'wow you look pretty today', I attribute a lot of that to me being more confident and strong, surgery and of course my dear loving husband who makes me feel pretty all the time.

And the other struggle....being a step mom. NEVER in a million billion zillion years did I ever think I would ever have an issue being a step mom....are you serious right now? If you would have come up to me three years ago and said 'You're going to have issues with this" I would have looked at you and said "NO!" with every fiber of my being. But now that I'm here......I can't tell you the daily struggle I go through.

Let me be clear here. In no way am I putting the blame on the children...they are children and through no fault of their own they have come to have issues connecting the way most children should and therefore have problems with lying, common sense and downright brutal defiance. Especially with me who came into their life and changed things around. So I find myself everyday literally having a battle within myself. Every morning I wake up wanting with everything I am to be a good mom and to be the mom they want and deserve, then failing at it and then feeling guilty and angry because I could not.

I can not tell you how many times I've gone into the bathroom and bawled with frustration at them and at me...at the whole situation. How on God's green earth can someone have an issue being a mother? I ask you that...I ask myself that every single day? I would not blame you if you read this post and find me horrible person.....I think that often enough. I just needed to get it out so there it is. My test right now and I won't lie, probably for years to come (since they will be in our house for at least another 11 years....yes sometimes I count the days) is the daily internal struggle, no not struggle, down right war with these emotions and thoughts and failings. Its one of the hardest things I've ever had to do!

some peoples test are different from others and you would think that this should not be so much of an issue. I would have thought so too. But it is...for me at least. I'm still not sure why. Well that's not true...there are reasons but I'm working through them with a therapist so are invalid since they will be corrected and someday, God willing, not be an issue anymore. Because frankly I hate this. I hate that I can't be what I know I should be, what I want to be, what they deserve and I am sorry for it.

I hope to write a post one day to tell everyone how I overcame this and how my children and I have fantastic relationships now and that all of this is over and done and will be another check mark on the completed side of passed tests! That is my hope and my prayer.

No matter how trivial you think you're test is......if it hurts, if its hard, it is a test none the less and yours to get through but that does not mean that it is any less hard and you do not have to go through it silently. I write about mine because that is how I can get through it sometimes. (along with some outstanding friends and family!) Things will get better...they have to. Definitely not this very minute, probably not this day or week or even month...but slowly bit by bit it will......it has too! It has too!